Est. 2025 · Your Bowels. Your Vote. Your Girlfriend's Arse.

National
Anal
Party

National Anal Party — Bold. Unafraid. Balls-deep in bullshit. We go straight up the shitter where other parties only rim the issue.

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Who We Are

A Party That Tells It Straight (From The Arse)

The National Anal Party was founded in 2025 by a gang of unhinged degenerates who were sick to death of politicians talking endless shit while completely ignoring the real daily nightmare facing the British public: constipated relationships, girlfriends who lock the bathroom door, and the desperate need for mandatory poo-time rape sessions.

While other parties beat around the bush like nervous virgins, the NAP goes balls-deep with zero lube. We represent the forgotten majority — every pissed-off bloke tired of wanking in silence and every couple where the girlfriend won't let you destroy her shitter while she's dropping a log. We believe in radical transparency, maximum filth, and policies that ram themselves right up the rectum of the issues that matter.

No spin. No fluff. Just pure, unfiltered, cum-dripping truth — exactly like nature intended when your girlfriend is bent over the toilet grunting and getting railed.

Our Manifesto

Core Policy Pillars

Mandatory Poo Transparency

No more sneaking off to the bathroom like a guilty criminal, blasting air freshener and pretending your arse didn't just commit biological terrorism. Under NAP, every citizen has the legal right (and duty) to openly acknowledge their disgusting bodily functions without shame. We will force weekly "Poo Pride" live streams where you squat on camera, narrate the texture, smell, colour and how hard you had to push. Employers must give paid "post-log reflection time." Hiding your shit or denying you take massive dumps is now a hate crime against anal honesty.

Couples' Poo Time Act

Every girlfriend is legally obliged to provide enthusiastic Poo & Rape-Time with her boyfriend at least four times per week. True love means never closing the bathroom door. This involves getting bent over the toilet mid-push while he rails her arse raw and mercilessly, pounding her hard as she strains and pushes out a fat log. She must moan like a filthy pornstar about how full her bowels feel, keep eye contact, and beg for a thick creampie right as the turd splashes into the water. Surprise ambushes are mandatory — kick the door open, grab her hair and destroy her shitter without warning while she's mid-wipe. Refusal will result in public shaming, her being forced to watch her boyfriend get violently pegged by a 6ft drag queen on TikTok Live, and fines paid in dirty knickers and used condoms.

Public Toilet Revolution

Free, luxury public toilets on every single corner — heated seats, glory holes, built-in moan amplifiers, and dedicated "free-use rape cosplay" cubicles with one-way mirrors. No more sprinting three streets clutching your cheeks in a cold sweat. Strangers will be able to watch or join in while you're balls-deep in your girlfriend as she tries to shit. Scented lube dispensers and professional arse-wiping attendants will be provided at all times. The NAP will end the public toilet crisis and turn Britain into one giant open-air degenerate bathroom playground.

Toilet Roll Tax Relief

Toilet roll is a basic human right, not a luxury for posh cunts. We will abolish all VAT on loo paper, wet wipes, scented candles, and industrial quantities of anal lube. The working class deserves a comfortable, well-fucked bottom. We're also introducing the "Cum & Wipe Subsidy" — couples who film and upload their official Poo & Rape-Time sessions get free monthly deliveries of premium triple-ply plus a government-issued automatic arse-wiping robot.

Poo Literature in Schools

All students must learn about their bodies without embarrassment, NAP will make Advanced Anal Education a core subject called "The Other Reading." Lessons will cover "How to Take a Savage Pounding While Dropping a Log", "Prostate Milking for Beginners", "Dirty Talk During Explosive Diarrhoea", and practical workshops on synchronising female orgasms with bowel movements. Textbooks will be fully illustrated with cartoon girlfriends getting absolutely destroyed on the toilet.

Global Bottom Diplomacy

The NAP will lead international summits on bathroom rights, flatulence equality, and closing the global bidet gap. World leaders will be forced to sit naked in one giant circular toilet shitting together while receiving handjobs and fucking each other's girlfriends. We shall get to the bottom of it — literally — by making Putin, Trump and Macron participate in mandatory group Poo & Rape-Time sessions. This is how real diplomacy gets done.

Free Rear-End Healthcare

Suffering in silence with a ripped arsehole is NOT a British value. NAP will fully fund all rear-end medical treatment on the NHS — prolapsed rectums, bruised cervixes from aggressive toilet poundings, emergency creampie clean-outs, and therapy for girlfriends secretly addicted to surprise bathroom rapings. No one should have to sit on a rubber ring pretending they're fine after a heavy Poo-Time session.

Mandatory Bidet Installation

Every home in Britain will receive a state-funded, high-pressure Japanese bidet by 2027 that doubles as a prostate blaster and fuck machine. Toilet paper alone is barbaric and disgusting. Your girlfriend will be legally required to power-wash her arse before you destroy it during Poo-Time. The NAP will drag this constipated, backwards nation kicking and screaming into a clean, wet, filthy future.

National Poo Broadcasting

A dedicated government TV channel (Freeview 69) airing only bathroom degeneracy 24/7: live girlfriend toilet rape sessions, celebrity creampie poo interviews, slow-motion log analysis, tutorials on perfect synchronised shitting-and-fucking, and live coverage of the annual National Gape & Strain Championships.

Why Vote NAP?

Us vs. Them

The NAP

Forces your girlfriend to get railed while shitting four times a week
Free bidets that double as high-pressure arse fuck machines
Mandatory couples' poo & rape time enshrined in law
VAT abolished on loo roll and lube
Clean public free-use glory hole toilets on every corner
A government that goes straight up the shitter with zero mercy

The Others

Happy for you to suffer blue balls and constipation
Charge you 20% VAT just to wipe your filthy little poo hole
Full of hot air and empty promises
Ignore the bathroom rape-time crisis entirely
Left public toilets to rot since 2010
Consistently talk out of both ends but deliver nothing

The Team

Party Leadership

Jordan Lunulia

Party Leader

20 years in politics. Zero tolerance for nonsense. Jordan will say out loud what everyone else is thinking — usually while taking it up the arse in the bathroom.

Ron Butterly

Shadow Chancellor

Former economist. Believes the financial system has had its head in a very dark place for far too long. Ron's economic plan smells better than the current one.

Sandra Cheeks

Policy Director

The brains behind the manifesto. Sandra has spent a decade crafting policies with genuine backbone. Her bidet legislation is considered a masterpiece of modern political thought.

Barry Flush

Head of Communications

Barry ensures the NAP message flows freely. Former tabloid editor. He knows how to make a splash and has never once buried a story — unless it was biological.

Debbie Loopaper

Treasurer

Every penny accounted for, every roll counted. Debbie keeps the NAP finances squeaky clean. She has never, not once, wasted a sheet.

Trevor Crapper

Chief of Bidet Affairs

Named after a legend. Trevor's lifelong mission is to bring bidet equality to Britain's most deprived postcodes. He wept when France adopted the bidet in 1910 and has been angry ever since.

Your Voice

NAP Live Polls

Cast your vote — results update instantly across our entirely fabricated constituency map.

Live Constituency Map

Simulated live polling · Not real electoral data · Map: Natural Earth / Highcharts Map Collection (CC)

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Get Involved

Join the Movement

The NAP needs boots on the ground — and bottoms in seats. Here's how you can get involved and help us take this nation to the next level.

Join the Mailing List

Get NAP updates, manifesto drops, and exclusive poo-time briefings straight to your inbox via Mailchimp.

Volunteer Sign-Up

Ready to knock on doors? Sign up as a NAP volunteer via Typeform and we'll assign you a constituency.

Donate to the Cause

Campaigns cost money. Bidets cost money. Legal fees for the Couples' Poo Time Act cost a LOT of money. Help us fight the good fight.

Donate via GoFundMe

Follow on Social

Like, share, and spread the word. Use #VoteNAP and #PooTimeIsHumanRight whenever you post.

Follow on Instagram

Join the Discord

Members-only Discord with channels including #bidet-debate, #manifesto-feedback, and #poo-time-compliance.

Join our Discord

Stand as a Candidate

Think you've got what it takes? Fill in our candidate application and our selection committee will be in touch.

Apply via Google Forms

Questions

Frequently Asked Questions

Is the NAP a real political party?

We are as real as the morning shit you're scared to admit to. Registration with the Electoral Commission is being handled by Barry's mate Dave (who is probably wanking right now).

What does NAP actually stand for?

National Anal Party. We do not apologise for the name. It's the most honest thing in British politics since Churchill accidentally said "bottom" in the House of Commons in 1943.

Is the Couples' Poo Time Act legally enforceable?

Once in government, absolutely yes. We will pass the Domestic Bathroom Intimacy Bill in our first 100 days. Enforcement by the new quango OfFLUSH — inspectors can enter homes unannounced to verify your girlfriend is getting properly railed on the toilet.

Will bidets really be free?

Yes. Funded by a massive Windfall Tax on greedy premium toilet paper companies that have been ripping off the British arsehole for decades. The revolution will be fully costed — probably on the back of a loo roll.

Can I stand as an NAP candidate?

Yes! You must believe in bathroom equality, be comfortable talking about destroying your girlfriend's shitter in public, and own at least one scented candle for post-poo romance.

Don't Wait

Ready to Take a Stand?

Join thousands of degenerates who've had enough of political constipation. The NAP needs you — your voice, your vote, your courage, and most importantly, your girlfriend's arse.

Become a Member

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